de profundis

To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.
~ Friedrich Nietzsche

I am meeting with a group of students once a week this quarter, and as is often the case, when I make the long journey from my home to the campus, I wonder to myself as I’m gathering ideas for class, what’s it all for? What am I really doing for these people? Do they need what I have to offer them? Do they even care and my how ludicrous is it that I get paid so much money to talk about dust and bones? Of course, there’s lots of sighing, lots of self pity, a smirk here and there. Petals plucked and tossed into the wind as I gather up the energy to tap dance through yet another punctuation lesson. Nothing excites like a control freak perfectionist armed with punctuation, and I really could talk about that all day, but inevitably my spirit hovers above the classroom laughing as I admit to my students, no one really cares about commas anymore but me. The silly futility of it all can be a seductive trap, but then something happens that wipes all the cynicism away. Someone reminds me that words strung together become story, and that in the telling of our stories, we become who we are meant to be.

Earlier this week a young man contacted me requesting an appointment. He wanted to show me his essay, and I made an effort to be in my office on an off day to assist him. Shy and smiling, he handed me his assignment and we began to work through the language and structure. It was a paper on Nietzsche’s philosophy on suffering, and at many places I found myself stuck in the weeds. I had asked the students to reflect on Nietzsche’s theory that we can learn to be happy through suffering, that happiness does not come from escaping our troubles but from cultivating them and turning them to our advantage. You know the old line, what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. Well this young man was struggling to articulate this complex dichotomy, that suffering leads to happiness, and we spent most of our time on page one, untangling sentences and working through his throat-clearing repetition. In my mind, I thought his paper was a mess, and I caught myself slipping into self-pity, woe is suffering me who teaches these young people who can’t grapple with ideas! I was ready to send him off with a few suggestions and then resume that familiar place, hovering somewhere between tenderness and absurdity. But then I turned the page.

On page two he came out from behind all the mess, literally. Suddenly I understood what all the throat-clearing had been preparing me for. On page two he illustrated Nietzsche’s idea perfectly with storytelling that sharpened with sudden clarity and precision and vivid detail, all that kind of writing I’d been talking about during our weekly class meetings. On page two he wrote in a much more confident voice, describing how he suffered through adolescence because he was ashamed of who he was becoming, afraid his family would reject him, and too embarrassed and confused to tell anyone until a friend helped him find the courage to speak his truth. I’ve had students come out to me before, but most of them have been strictly distance learning students for whom the anonymity of the internet — or at least the facade of distance — enables them to express themselves more freely than they would in the brick and mortar classroom. But here sat my sweet student, upright and smiling, handing me himself in words on the page. I was overcome, not only with humility and gratitude for his trust in me, for his trust in the world really, but also for the nobility of my profession and the opportunities I’m given to be witness to the power of language, to the ways I might in some small way encourage someone to tell their story and make it true.

Often we get stuck in the weeds and lose sight of the sky, and how wonderful is it that just when you need them someone comes along to remind you to look up.

 


Dear Readers, an added footnote: Wordsworth famously said that poetry is “the spontaneous overflow of powerful emotions recollected in tranquility.” I’ve never forgotten that line nor have I forgotten the professor who first taught it to me. My student’s paper did have heaps of grammatical errors and was in dire need of rearrangement — foremost of which included making his experience more central to the narrative — but there was poetry in his story and the act of writing brought it into being. And so I share with you some excerpts from another beautiful piece of writing penned by Oscar Wilde during his incarceration in a Victorian prison. At the height of his professional success (The Importance of Being Earnest was playing to sold out audiences in London’s West End) — and at a time when homosexuality was considered a crime punishable by law — Wilde was involved in a bitter sex scandal that resulted in a very public trial and conviction for indecency. His is a classic tabloid tragedy, the noble king brought low. During the two years he spent in prison, he turned his suffering as best he could into humility and joy through the act of writing. His jailors brought him a sheet of paper a day. They took whatever he wrote away so that he could not revise or reflect on what he had written, but the pages were collected and published posthumously in 1905, a few years after Wilde, forced by shame and shunning to change his name, died penniless and forgotten in a cheap Paris hotel. De Profundis tells the story of his spiritual transformation and of the artist’s affinity with Christ, a story not only of his profound suffering but of leaning into that suffering and ultimately finding in it, a beautiful joy.

 

 

Where there is sorrow there is holy ground.  Some day people will realise what that means.  They will know nothing of life till they do,—and natures like his can realise it.  When I was brought down from my prison to the Court of Bankruptcy, between two policemen,— [Robbie Ross] waited in the long dreary corridor that, before the whole crowd, whom an action so sweet and simple hushed into silence, he might gravely raise his hat to me, as, handcuffed and with bowed head, I passed him by.  Men have gone to heaven for smaller things than that.  It was in this spirit, and with this mode of love, that the saints knelt down to wash the feet of the poor, or stooped to kiss the leper on the cheek.  I have never said one single word to him about what he did.  I do not know to the present moment whether he is aware that I was even conscious of his action.  It is not a thing for which one can render formal thanks in formal words.  I store it in the treasure-house of my heart.  I keep it there as a secret debt that I am glad to think I can never possibly repay.  It is embalmed and kept sweet by the myrrh and cassia of many tears.  When wisdom has been profitless to me, philosophy barren, and the proverbs and phrases of those who have sought to give me consolation as dust and ashes in my mouth, the memory of that little, lovely, silent act of love has unsealed for me all the wells of pity: made the desert blossom like a rose, and brought me out of the bitterness of lonely exile into harmony with the wounded, broken, and great heart of the world.

I have lain in prison for nearly two years.  Out of my nature has come wild despair; an abandonment to grief that was piteous even to look at; terrible and impotent rage; bitterness and scorn; anguish that wept aloud; misery that could find no voice; sorrow that was dumb.  I have passed through every possible mood of suffering.  Better than Wordsworth himself I know what Wordsworth meant when he said—

‘Suffering is permanent, obscure, and dark
And has the nature of infinity.’

But while there were times when I rejoiced in the idea that my sufferings were to be endless, I could not bear them to be without meaning.  Now I find hidden somewhere away in my nature something that tells me that nothing in the whole world is meaningless, and suffering least of all.  That something hidden away in my nature, like a treasure in a field, is Humility.

It is the last thing left in me, and the best: the ultimate discovery at which I have arrived, the starting-point for a fresh development.  It has come to me right out of myself, so I know that it has come at the proper time.  It could not have come before, nor later.  Had any one told me of it, I would have rejected it.  Had it been brought to me, I would have refused it.  As I found it, I want to keep it.  I must do so.  It is the one thing that has in it the elements of life, of a new life, Vita Nuova for me.  Of all things it is the strangest.  One cannot acquire it, except by surrendering everything that one has.  It is only when one has lost all things, that one knows that one possesses it.

Now I have realised that it is in me, I see quite clearly what I ought to do; in fact, must do.  And when I use such a phrase as that, I need not say that I am not alluding to any external sanction or command.  I admit none.  I am far more of an individualist than I ever was.  Nothing seems to me of the smallest value except what one gets out of oneself.  My nature is seeking a fresh mode of self-realisation.  That is all I am concerned with.  And the first thing that I have got to do is to free myself from any possible bitterness of feeling against the world.

I am completely penniless, and absolutely homeless.  Yet there are worse things in the world than that.  I am quite candid when I say that rather than go out from this prison with bitterness in my heart against the world, I would gladly and readily beg my bread from door to door.  If I got nothing from the house of the rich I would get something at the house of the poor.  Those who have much are often greedy; those who have little always share.  I would not a bit mind sleeping in the cool grass in summer, and when winter came on sheltering myself by the warm close-thatched rick, or under the penthouse of a great barn, provided I had love in my heart.  The external things of life seem to me now of no importance at all.  You can see to what intensity of individualism I have arrived—or am arriving rather, for the journey is long, and ‘where I walk there are thorns.’

Of course I know that to ask alms on the highway is not to be my lot, and that if ever I lie in the cool grass at night-time it will be to write sonnets to the moon.  When I go out of prison, R— will be waiting for me on the other side of the big iron-studded gate, and he is the symbol, not merely of his own affection, but of the affection of many others besides.  I believe I am to have enough to live on for about eighteen months at any rate, so that if I may not write beautiful books, I may at least read beautiful books; and what joy can be greater?  After that, I hope to be able to recreate my creative faculty.

But were things different: had I not a friend left in the world; were there not a single house open to me in pity; had I to accept the wallet and ragged cloak of sheer penury: as long as I am free from all resentment, hardness and scorn, I would be able to face the life with much more calm and confidence than I would were my body in purple and fine linen, and the soul within me sick with hate.

And I really shall have no difficulty.  When you really want love you will find it waiting for you.

 

To regret one’s own experiences is to arrest one’s own development.  To deny one’s own experiences is to put a lie into the lips of one’s own life.  It is no less than a denial of the soul.

~ Oscar Wilde (16 October 1854 – 30 November 1900)

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littlest gets the keys to the castle, uh-gain

We read to know we’re not alone.

~ William Nicholson, Shadowlands

Yesterday littlest love and I ventured out into a light rainfall for books and Betty’s Burgers.  I know.  What a perfect thing to do on a rainy Friday afternoon, right?  Well, when we get to the children’s section of our local independent bookstore, she notices a slim tall glass case with heaps of special books inside, books she loves like the hardbound collector’s editions from the fictitious Dr. Ernest Drake, renowned 19th century dragonologist.  These are beautiful oversized, jewel-encrusted books with pages of detailed “scholarly” notes, unearthed diaries and handwritten letters tucked into wax-sealed envelopes.  Pencil drawings and laboratory specimens like dragon scales and gilded unicorn hairs.  Imagine flipping through Professor Indiana Jones’ archeological notebooks and you’ve got the idea.  I have absolutely no clue what the books are about, but they are beautiful to look at and exquisite fun for imaginative children.

Littlest wants to see one of the books in the case, but there’s a notice taped to the glass that says, please ask a clerk for assistance.  So I send her off to ask the schlumpy shaggy man behind the information desk.  He’s casually talking to a woman with long silver hair in stretch pants and flip flops who looks as if she’s stopping by to say hello on her way to yoga or the organic farm.  I catch myself caught up in a Portlandia tableau as they both pause from their peaceful tête à tête to look down at her and smile.  The clerk moves out from behind the counter but continues to stretch his conversation with the woman into a reluctant schlumpy goodbye all while following littlest over to the case where he perfunctorily opens the door, takes the treasure out, and places it into her hands.  I’m caught up in this tranquil exchange, the gentle couple, the ease with which he moved from the desk to the cabinet and without any effort or even a glance helps my littlest love, when just like that!  Just as he turns to shuffle back toward his information desk a woman swoops down from out of nowhere and snatches up the book!  It was the clerk who caught me cheating!  It was HER!  Oh, no!  I thought.  What did we do now?  I’m here to buy books from you, the independent bookseller.  I promise!  No more Amazon.  Well this lady, she’s very calm and without a trace of humor, and people like that, you know, they scare me.  Sure, she has gobs of book recommendations, but all that thinking and judging going on underneath that center-parted mop of gray-brown curls.  Behind the blank stare.  We’re screwed.  She now has the treasure and looks down and says to littlest in a condescending voice, You know, these books are VERY special.  They’re collector’s items and not for looking at in the store.  People who buy them want them to be in perfect condition, so I will hold it for you and show you some of the pages.  Would you like that [little girl]?  Bwah Ha Ha Ha.  I knew in an instant, this was going to be good.

photo 3The book was called Monsterology and contains “scholarly” research on mythical creatures.  The persnickety clerk begins to flip a few pages for littlest, who starts in on her gently by recognizing just one or two of the so-called monsters.  Oh, is that a Kraken? she demurs.  The clerk needs to look and read a few lines before nodding her head.  Ooh, the Chimera . . . and look, littlest says pointing to another page, there’s a Hippogriff.  I watch the clerk take in littlest’s slight size and ask her what grade she’s in.  They chat about dragons a bit, and I can suddenly feel the molecules quicken between them as the clerk decides to walk us over to some dragon books she thinks littlest might like reading, but unfortunately she’s read them already.  With marked determination, the clerk adjusts her tact and heads for another shelf, maybe you’d be interested in this book?  It’s a slim illustrated anthology of Greek myths.   Well, littlest says trying not to hurt her feelings, we’re actually reading The Odyssey right now.

I could be dramatic and say the edges of the room blurred.  The din of the bookshop fell silent.  A beam of angelic light burst forth from the heavens and danced on their faces.  But they just stood facing each other there in the aisle surrounded on three sides by walls of books.  With all hint of condescension removed the clerk asks her, and what translation are you reading?  Robert Fagles, I offer from a few steps back, feeling a little self-conscious but loving it all.  Oh, that’s a good one.  I usually recommend the Fitzgerald for young readers, but Fagles is very good.  She pushes me aside with a returned gaze to littlest and asks her, how do you like the language in Fagles?  “I think it’s really poetic,” she says.  Now I’m starting to get used to what happens next, but it never ceases to make me smile.  The clerk takes the Monsterology book she had been keeping in her hands and says to her, I think you understand how truly special this book is.  I’m going to let you take it and look at it.  I think there’s an open bench over there under the window, and when you’re done if you decide you don’t want to buy it, just bring it back to me.


Immortals are never alien to one another.
~ Homer, The Odyssey

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what takes your breath away?

Raindrops on roses
And whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

A few weeks ago, as I was making a routine journey back and forth along the busy street I traverse several times a day, I couldn’t help but hear the leaves.  I heard them.  Yes.  That’s what I wrote.  I  h e a r d  them.

They were the deepest, most crimson red they’d ever be this year.  Saturated with beauty and singing their highest notes.  An opera for my ears, a crescendo of color.  Have you ever noticed that?  How autumn leaves are this most vivid, crisp color just before they begin to fade and fall to the ground?

There are so many things like this that take my breath away.

Yesterday marked the winter solstice, the darkest night of the year, and at a time in which we find our world community tempted toward anxiety and despair, when I know so many of us are caught up in the tumult of life, it’s these moments of awe and wonder that fill me with gratitude and propel me forward in hope.  There are kind strangers holding open doors for you.  There are clerks smiling behind cash registers.  There are even drivers nodding and letting you in to jammed city streets, waving back at you, you’re welcome.

There are so many things . . . just listen.

By now the rains have come, and those beautiful leaves have fallen at our feet, a small sacrifice for the springtime flowers to come.  But it has me singing, welcoming the coming light into the world and wondering, what takes  y o u r  breath away?

 

 

Cream-colored ponies and crisp apple strudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells
And schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things

wintercouple

 

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS, from two or three little birds.

 

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